The perils of favoritism are depicted succinctly in the biblical story of Joseph. Joseph's father gave him a coat of many colors, denoting special privileges because Joseph was the offspring of his father's favorite wife. Joseph's favored position cost him dearly. Like most children, Joseph didn't ask to be favored; he merely responded to attitudes around him. Chances are, he may have had a more pleasing temperament and personality than his brothers. Perhaps his father did not understand and/or accept the differences among his sons. Joseph found that being favored was a burden when compared to the embroiled resentment that surfaced later in his life.

Affirming Differences

Rather than gravitating toward certain children, and thus adding to rivalry, we need to affirm each child for his/her individual and unique contribution. Some ways to do this are:

• Avoid comparing one child to another.
• Try to understand the temperament of each child, thus increasing sensitivity to individual abilities and knowing when and if to give praise for performance or ideas.
• Give each child chores and projects that fit them and in turn help build their self-esteem.
• Teach children to allow their opposites the right to prefer certain types of activities.
• Avoid the tendency to intervene in every negative interaction between children. Give them time to work things out in an appropriate manner. Your job is to see that no one is mistreated physically or emotionally.
• Teach children to disagree respectfully, intelligently, and constructively.

Rivalry

Despite our best efforts to accept and affirm differences in children, some rivalry is inevitable. We should not be overly concerned with competition, however. Arguments and disagreements are good training for life in the adult world. We need to maintain a proper perspective. Remember, a peer relationship is only one of many factors that influence developing children. A little competition doesn't spell disaster. Children need to learn to negotiate with each other. When they are not allowed to oppose each other,
they lose something in their development.

Children learn important negotiating skills when they feud. It may be a very natural
context in which they can argue and then learn how to resolve conflict. For instance, in fighting over the last piece of cake, allowing one child to divide it and the other child to choose first will keep things fair and square. Negotiation requires time but is a valuable teacher and naturally redemptive.

Helping our children understand why they are having disagreements and how they can compromise and respect each other will guarantee them a chance for a long and happy friendship.

Adapted from Coaching Kids: Practical Tips For Effective Communication, by Jim and Ruth Ward, pp. 103-105