By Rachel Veal

“No, no, no, no, no…,” the curly-headed two year-old sings to himself or anyone who will listen. It is his current anthem, a credo of coming independence. I’m sure he learned this word first from his parents, boundaries they had initially set for his protection. Now, the word comes back to them with the taunting hint of rebellion straight from the mouth of their growing child. We laugh as the parents groan, but this word and all the ways it is carried into a child’s life are an incredibly important part of his vocabulary.

Somewhere along the way, though, we—parents, educators, Sunday school teachers, and anyone else involved in the lives of growing children—have become soft when it comes to the word no or any other arrangement of words that imply someone is wrong. We hesitate to say no to others and to our children when it really matters. We are terrified to say an answer is “wrong” or that a behavior is inappropriate, and we would probably choose mortal combat over the possibility of verbal confrontation. As a result we are quietly, albeit positively, harming our children. I hear it more and more in today’s society; people always faulting someone else or excusing their mistake on another person. In so doing, we are starving our children’s souls and destroying our own vitality by creating a “no consequences” environment.

There is a certain sense of self-worth and learning that comes from owning your mistakes and your wrongs, however humiliating they may momentarily seem. Children feel that self-worth too when they are allowed the opportunity to admit a mistake and to learn from it.

We don’t want to belittle a child for giving the wrong answer, but we don’t want to dismiss it with a nonchalant glance around the room and “any other ideas?” plea either. Children (and adults for that matter) like to have clear feedback from the people they respect, even if it means being told they are wrong. They also like to be pointed back in the right direction and given a reason. A better response to a wrong answer would be something like, “Well, that’s not right, but I can see how you might think that. Let’s look at why…” It will not make a child feel small to tell her that her answer is wrong if you are clear, concise, and guide her back to the right path in your response. Remember, we are helping to lay the spiritual foundation in these young lives; it is better to take a little extra time to turn wrong thoughts in the right direction now in order to prevent major cracks in that foundation later.

Especially when a child blatantly misbehaves. I’ve heard tantrums, hitting, biting, and throwing explained away by tiredness, hunger, and the weather. While these are factors that can affect everyone’s mood and reactions, they should not be the scapegoats for poor behavior. We all have to learn how to exert self-control even when our circumstances are beyond that control. Children are young and little, but this is the perfect time for them to learn that, “no, it is not okay to hit Suzie or anyone else just because you’re hungry and she has the toy you want.” If we want a society of adults who take ownership of their mistakes we must teach children to take ownership of theirs.

There is more to this than time-out, spanking, or “because I said so.” Again, children like clear feedback and to be turned back in the right direction. Excusing Tommy’s behavior with the temperature teaches him that he is right even when he is doing something wrong. Furthermore, simply putting him in time-out gives him no connection to his behavior as something he can control. Prefacing his punishment for misbehavior with a firm statement like, “Tommy, I know you’re hot and tired, but we don’t hit no matter how hot and tired we are,” helps Tommy to realize that what he did was wrong in this situation and any other applicable circumstance, and that he can control how he acts in those situations.

Children who are corrected for their mistakes and misbehaviors in an understandable way and guided back to the right path also learn that confrontation can be healthy. They learn that they are not perfect but loved anyway; that they can take ownership of their mistakes and still be valued. In the real world, this translates into knowing how to accept directions and address matters with peers, co-workers, and the public, and that these situations provide the opportunity for inner growth and intrapersonal trust.