by Thomas and Bonnie Geary

When our children were little, I came home from work, walked in the door, and began turning off all the lights in the empty rooms. I got angrier with each light I counted. I greeted my children with a lecture on the waste of electricity. Usually they looked at me as if I were speaking Quechua, the language spoken in the mountains of Peru. One day after my lecture fell flatter than usual, Bonnie pointed out to me that my first evening encounter with our children was negative and critical. This set the tone for the rest of the evening. So I tried a different approach. I still counted the lights (as my father did before me), but
first I greeted my children warmly with hugs and kisses, and asked them about their day. Then I told them about the lights. I can’t say I ever solved the electric problem, but my relationship with my children noticeably improved. They returned the hugs and kisses, which made it easier for me to pay the electric bill.

In our talks and workshops, we ask participants to estimate the percentage of negative interactions that go on at home or in the classroom. Many admit to seventy-five or eighty percent. Parents and teachers constantly find fault with children. They have invested so much emotional energy in them. Yet, negativity begets negativity. When we concentrate only on the blunders and mistakes of our kids, we begin to develop a radar-like system in which every misdeed makes a blip on our screen. It becomes increasingly harder for us to see our children’s positive qualities, and they sense we are impossible to please. The whole household tilts toward the negative, leaving balance by the wayside.

An all-too-frequent lament Bonnie and I hear from young people is that their parents never comment on the good things they do. Of course, we know that children exaggerate, just as we know they almost never admit their own faults. (Who does?) But they have a point. When parents constantly highlight negative behavior, they are feeding their children’s negative self-image. I am not saying that children should never be criticized. They need to hear how their actions affect themselves and others. What I do say is to keep a balance between criticism and praise. A child who feels that he is valued and pleasing to his parents can listen to a reprimand without feeling devastated. He knows he’s earned the criticism just as he knows he’s earned the praise he’s received. But a child who hears almost nothing but censure and reproach can be shattered by the slightest reproof. He has no emotional armor of praise to offset it.

We recommend that children learn that each new day is a fresh start — that the mistakes and problems of yesterday are not carried over to haunt our children for weeks on end. This attitude toward life will help them remain optimistic about the future and not become too discouraged about their past mistakes.
Here’s a handy guide to check if what we say to ourselves or to others increases or decreases feelings of self-worth. If you average saying positive things two out of three times, you’re increasing self-esteem. If two out of three times, you emphasize the negative, you are diminishing self-worth. This is true whether you are talking to yourself or to another.

The second part of the guide is that not saying something negative is better for self-esteem than saying something positive. Sounds like what my mother used to tell me when I was a boy, “Tom, if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.”

Sometimes, in our effort to give our children a strong sense of self, we may minimize criticism or exaggerate a positive quality. When his child doesn’t make a school team or isn’t picked for a part in a play, a parent may say, “I don’t know why they didn’t pick you. You are the best player on the team.” Such statements ring false. Most children are realistic about their abilities. In fact, they tend to be overly critical of themselves. What a child needs at such a time is for her parent or teacher to guide her away from an internal dialogue that may have her already convinced she is inadequate.

Once in a while, ask your children, “What are the positive things you think I like about you?” A father tried this and was surprised when his child couldn’t think of anything his father liked about him. “That taught me a lesson on how critical I must have been to my son,” the father added, sadly.

Focusing on a child’s strengths, and giving deserved recognition seem like obvious pieces of advice, yet they are often neglected practices, even among the most well-intentioned parents and teachers. A little praise, however, goes a long way in bringing out the best a child has to offer.

From Nurturing the Souls of Our Children, by Thomas F. Geary and Bonnie L. Geary

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