CHILDREN'S MINISTRY
Communicate with Respect
By Jim and Ruth Ward
Do you recall being praised by someone for something you did? Do you recall a specific statement someone said in the past about how nice or thoughtful you were? You can probably still remember how good you felt about yourself. Contrast that feeling with the times you have felt an inch high or like crawling into a hole when someone embarrassed you or attacked you about how you looked, talked, or performed.
Through respectful dialogue we communicate affirmation and individual acceptance, encourage self-discipline, and validate a person’s worth. Through faulty dialogue we deflate someone’s motivation to try and injure a person’s self-image. Before children learn to speak, they pick up through conversation, body language, and tone whether or not they are valued and respected. Good conversational skills cultivate constructive communication.
Conversation is the art of transferring ideas and implanting values. The dynamics of dialogue hinge around listening creatively, knowing when and how to speak, and learning to edit speech. Therefore, our intention is to identify faulty dialogue and the magnitude of emotional damage incurred because of the intrinsic influence of negative speech.
Many of us unwittingly engage in inappropriate and unhealthy conversational habits copied from our parents, the marketplace, the media, television, books, movies, and other sources. Conscientious young parents with whom we counsel are dismayed to discover their thoughtless, habitual involvement in destructive and hurtful family dialogue. “We just fell into a nasty, lazy pattern,” one dad confessed.
The following offensive tactics are by no means exhaustive, but they cover the most common infractions. As you read these descriptions, check how many of these abuses you suffered as a child and unconsciously pass on to your children.
Searing Sarcasm
• How many times must I repeat the same thing? Are you deaf? Then why don’t you listen?
You are so rude. Were you brought up in a jungle? That’s where you belong, you know.
What’s the matter with you, anyhow? Are you crazy or just stupid? I know where you’ll end up!
Sarcasm is a humorous statement or remark with a cruel hook made with the intention of embarrassing or injuring the self-respect of someone, usually by drawing attention to a weakness or failure of that person. It is inverted teasing—hurtful comments meant to be funny.
Sarcasm is difficult to eliminate. There is something witty and clever about hurling our opinion or judgment all rolled up in unique observations or possibilities about a person. It makes others laugh and still gets our point across. Eliminating sarcasm is almost as hard as giving up chocolate—or peanut butter, if that’s your passion. But our world would be a much happier place without hurtful sarcasm.
Crushing Criticism
• Well, son, you managed to strike out. You must feel pretty good about yourself!
Your mind must have holes in it because we went over your spelling words a dozen times. I can’t believe you goofed up.
If you can’t sing on tune, I suppose it’s better to sing loud. I could hear your monotone above everyone.
I can’t believe you didn’t stand up for me.
Criticism is censuring or finding fault. It is a close relative to put-downs and sarcasm. Children are easily crushed by destructive criticism springing from deeper motivation such as resentment, embarrassment, disappointment, rejection of attitude, jealousy, or difference of opinion. Accusatory statements such as “you never,” “you always,” and “you can’t” wound and discourage children—and adults. Do you know what it feels like to have a guilt trip put on you?
This type of negative communication may intimidate children to listen out of fear rather than out of respect. Encounters such as these may result in hidden anger that does not emerge for years—usually not until someone is grown and married.
Lopsided Lecture
• I’ll do the talking; you listen.
No one ever gave me anything.
Growing up wasn’t easy for me.
I had to work for my spending money.
Here we go again, you’re not using your head.
You don’t appreciate the sacrifices we make.
I’m tired of solving the same problem over and over.
When we were kids, we respected what our parents said.
Children feel stress when they are not allowed to give their side of the story before being accused or punished. We are wise to make it easy for them to talk and admit their mistakes, giving ample opportunity for their perspective.
Conclusion
Appropriate dialogue with children requires discipline on your part to control rash or thoughtless responses and to protect your children from the inappropriate remarks of other people. We urge you to commit yourself to eliminate senseless, damaging speech from your conversation and in turn to embrace the art of respectful dialogue that equips you to converse intelligently and respectfully with your children—both now and later. Watch these concepts sweeten your relationship with adults also.
—From Coaching Kids: Practical Tips for Effective Communication by Jim and Ruth Ward.
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