Excerpt from Coaching Kids: Practical Tips for Effective Communication

by Jim & Ruth Ward

No doubt you were taught to respect all adults, especially senior adults, regardless of how they behaved or spoke. But that was no guarantee you liked or trusted every adult, was it? Children are fairly good judges of character despite the age or position of the adult. Have you noticed how children initially shy away from angry, dishonest, manipulative, or overbearing adults?

Healthy communication hinges on reciprocal respect between you and your children. We believe it's absolutely essential to teach children to respect authority figures, but the only authentic way to gain their complete confidence and trust is by respecting who they are by conversing diplomatically.

Think of an adult relative or friend whom you looked forward to being around when you were a kid. Was it because that person brought you a gift, or because that person noticed you, listened to you, and was respectful of your opinions and feelings?

Because we look for respect and obedience from our children, we may resort to fear tactics and consequently win the battle by force, though we eventually lose the war. Respect and fear are not the same, although they are often linked together. Respect falls into 3 categories: (1) expected respect stemming from ability, achievement, family origin, age, and position; (2) demanded respect resulting from authority, anger, intimidation, and manipulation; (3) earned respect springing from mutual respect given, selflessness, consideration, and diplomacy.

There are no shortcuts to earning genuine respect. Honest and open conversation with children depends on earned respect. Without earned respect for you, your children are less likely to confide in you or accept direction or correction willingly. Alice Miller says in For Your Own Good,

Crucial for healthy development is the respect of their care-givers,
tolerance for their feelings, awareness of their needs and grievances,
and authenticity on the part of their parents, whose own freedom--
and not pedagogical considerations--sets natural limits for children.

As we master the skills of diplomatic dialogue, the earned respect status is sure to emerge.

Jim and Ruth Ward are the authors of "Coaching Kids", published by Smyth & Helwys Publishing. To order, go to the online bookpage or call 1-800-747-3016.

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